insisting that you don't come 27/08/13

so, it's been quite long that i haven't updated this blog.

of course there was many things happened as well. no doubt there were some complications and issues too.
but i'd say that "these" happen less frequently. not to say the amount of times decrease but not occurring so much after every "period" of time. and well, i kinda forgotten what happen. remembering a few, but forgetting the details.

i'd been upset these few days but not being able to get a new phone.
yes it's totally something retarded to be upset over with. but it has been testing my patience.
no parking, having pressured to see mom's mood, stock availability, financial problem, contract issues...

yea, the accumulations of things mentioned above plus having them happened continuously for few days.
it sure eat me up... it ruined my entire mood.

sorry that the person who means the most to me gets hurt. i'm sorry dear :( my mood was really f*cked up and yet you still tried so hard to talk to me. so so so sorry. if something ever happened to us one day that ends this relationship, i think you will hate me to bits for treating you like this...

thing is i saw you today, well, i wasn't really spending time with you today. you mainly came here to meet up with your friends and have lunch with them, then if there's time you'd come and find me. i really wanted my phone, so much that i sacrifice my chance to spend time with you - AND ENDED UP NOT GETTING ONE. epic shit fail.

u called me up at night, which was just now, right before i was typing this post. yea i was having a mixture of upset plus anger. minor anger cos i suggested that we could spent time tmr, wednesday 28/08, but he can't make it cos he already came out today (meeting his friends for lunch) and that's also when i decided to take afternoon class, try first at least (first week of semester can try classes first). then until the phone call just now he say he'll come tmr and we can watch a movie.

what is this. i was a little upset cos it's as though i'm an option, he has time then he will come find me, and expect me to be available. not completely his fault though cos i didn't tell him i decided to take afternoon class.

and upset cos, he always gets and misses half of the information i give him. when i told him not to come tmr, he say he'll find me on friday instead because he thought i have no class. the thing is, supposedly i have classes till evening on friday, two subjects. then i told him i have no more FA (afternoon class) on friday. so he mistook the info i guess.cos i still have morning class anyway. so yea.

anyway, my mood was quite bad, that i still insist him to not come on friday. firstly i don't wanna trouble him. secondly, my mood was f*cked up like i said. i was quiet all the way, and saying mean things when i respond (not exactly mean, but it doesn't make ppl feel good cos i "zha" ppl). he gave up in the end and said "you say one ah, so i don't come on friday"....... and i continue remaining silent. haih...

baby, i just want you to know that, as much as i wanna see you and spend time with you. i'd prefer that you are available to me when i really need you rather than keep spending time with you. you get it? what's the point of keep spending time, hanging out with you and on the other hand, when i was sad, down, need someone to comfort me, talk about my problems, and you can't be here for me?

that is what i really want......

to be continued on more things i wanna let out.

i really have to sleep. my class 8am T_T

drama queen

well, i sound like troublesome girlfriend, don't i? skin has been bad recently, due to all really late sleeping hours since before midterm (study and stress) then after then during cny and after cny till now. last night decided to sleep early. i went to bed at 11pm + but what? ended up insomnia. rolling here and there. and the time i fell asleep was actually much later than those "late night sleep" time i had. was playing a game i'm currently addicted. then out of lives. what did i do?

random thoughts wandering inside my brain. then i rmb. i always throw tantrum at him. during a specific time. which is when my period is coming soon. then i counted. oh hey, period should be coming around this date and usually a week before i'd have PMS. and the PMS day is TODAY. i keep hoping i don't get mad at him or anything. but today when  i woke up. was supposed to eat with him after his morning class. i called him 1st time, he didn't pick up. 2nd time was otw to college while waiting at the traffic light. he answered. but i turned on my speaker and well... idk why but iphone's loud speaker call is really. CACAT. can't hear properly. and i got kinda distracted while i resumed driving. so we agreed that when i reached college i will call him again.

reached college, called. no answer. that time i was in the parking lot. i got out of my car n started walking, called the 2nd time. no answer AGAIN. that time i was checking my student card balance at a machine. fine. continue walking & called the 3rd time. ringing quite long. till i stopped in front of the comp lab which has a glass window visible from outside. i saw him and stared at him, still holding my phone. finally i see him starting to touch his pocket, and just nice he turned his head and he saw me. cancelled the call. then he came out. omg i was so frustrated that time. like wth?! and those 3 calls that he didn't answer, all rang till it entered voicemail. pissed. he went n get his car. we didn't say a word. he kept saying sorry and ask me to not be angry. well.. i really don't like to hear the "sorry" word. especially when it's said so many times.

to me, i think that if someone will feel sorry, then he/she won't let it happen.

while eating. he just keep showing me the smile, hoping i could laugh. seriously, it's difficult. when you are not in a good mood. but then things went better in between. not exactly sure how. then we just started talking like normal again. and there were also sweet moments. talking about future. abt giving birth. LOL. he just said he'll definitely be there if i give birth in the future, provided that if i marry him. i was like, u don't have to be there if you don't want. cos my dad didn't. then i said, only if next time my husband is you(him) then only say. he's like so u are saying ur future husband might not be me? well... i mean, we can't predict the future right.... then he was so nice he accompanied me to class and everything. then second class he was waiting for me too. luckily when he's done, i was almost done with my class too. if not got to let him wait. then we all went to the student lounge play some soccer table, ps3 and everything. then i was hungry.

me, him and P went to have subway. cos our "lunch" was quite early at abt 10 something. we were having subway at 4 something almost 5. so that explains our hunger. otw back to college. cos we're all going home already. P and him were talking abt games. then P said that they should train more for the game's upcoming tournament/competition during sem break. so P asked if he has any plans during the break. he's like... "nahh... the only thing i have to do is to bring my brother out for lunch." we all was like hahaha then he's like serious! blablabla... -.- i hit him and said, "only that ah?" mood changed again. (thinking : the only thing u have to do is to bring ur bro to lunch) angry d la omg. -.- more like upset actually. he then only like 'nooo... not like that" blablabla but i really felt so upset already. i just didn't know what to say. and didn't feel like seeing him. i just looked out the window. he started saying sorry. like again. omg. i hate that word more and more.

then back to college. i just got down from his car and started walking towards my car. he followed behind. then say... "you angry d ah? i'm sorryy..." i just said, "ok, play game la. play a bit more" in chinese. he's like, "no it's not like that, not to say it like that" blaaaaaablaaaaaaablaaaaaaaaaaa. got to my car, and said byebye to him. then checked out my card then dropped him at his car there. he leaned in to kiss me, but that moment only cheek available, i even moved it to the side.

omg. why. why. why. why my boyfriend so insensitive? nvm. like i said in one of the previous posts. guys' common behaviour. whatever. it's not that i don't let you play game. i understand that it's a guys' thing. i get it. in fact, i really appreciate the fact that he actually replied my messages when he's in a game. not sure if he's respawning or pausing or resting or loading the game. but he still replied. like very frequent. and i don't have to wait that long. i am really grateful for that. despite that day during the skype call all the people inside were only talking about games, and i was abit left out. it's okay.......

it's my pms. it will go away....

the first of every month

1st March 2013, Friday
writing the 2nd post on the same day. dun wanna delay my posts so i'm here writing again :D so, title says it all. it's our special day today, this date, of every month :) the night before, he went offline suddenly, luckily his bro on back the modem. he stayed up till midnight fb chatting with me. just to wish each other happy monthsary. *melts* it's our 5 months together and i hope it continues counting. so we celebrated this day of course. he came to my place, i let him come into my hse and sit for awhile, introducing (more like meeting) him to my younger bro. when he came in and sat down, he told me i looked beautiful. well, he says he likes me wearing dress so i wear a dress for him, and also because today is our special day. <3

something funny was, when i sat next to him and played my current addiction - Candy Crush Saga, my bro came down and then peeked at us. and that was the time when boy boy kissed me on the cheek. LOL. then i checked the available timing and venue for a movie he wants to watch, Jack the Giant Slayer. Yeap, it was another movie that's not bad, it was quite good. after the movie we walked around for a while and then sat down on the bench. then we took some pictures. :) uploading it to an app for couple - LoveByte. and also updating a "status"(/date) for the app. it's a very lovely app.... :D

before i end this, i suddenly remember something. when we were "window shopping" at F.O.S. for nice clothes. he suddenly told me that he thought of something very lame. you know what? he said F.O.S. stands for Full Of Shit. LOL WHATDAHECK! and that shop was playing the Amazing Grace song and he told me he liked that song. i was laughing then he just looked at me and said "what? i'm serious! i like that song!" well. that wasn't what i was laughing at. i told him abt my high sch memory abt my friend who hums his own lyrics in this music - ni de mama mei you tou fa (your mom has no hair). hahaha he just burst out laughing. like quite loud. and then i told him one day i go annoyed and sang back - ni de baba mei you jiao mao (your dad has no leg hair) LOL he laughed even harder. hahaha yea. that's all

bye peeps!

not so short, not so long

22/02/13, Friday

it was still during cny period, there's an event held at his place that day. his mom ask him to bring me along for this event. So he picked me up at 2 something almost 3 and back to his place. Watched a movie right away - journey to the west. it's a film by stephen chow, with many similar film technics as his previous films. this movie was really funny, disgusting and somehow scary in different scenes.

then we just walked around and then go out to the park n took a look, it's where the event was gonna held. due to the preparations, only a part of it was opened. we just walked awhile and randomly watching the fishes in the ponds and talked about random and funny things. not forget to mention there was a gigantic round grass field there. i kept saying i wanted to lie on the grass and take a pic. couldn't gather enough guts though because there were so many ppl there! maybe another time when i go there again! that would make a really GREAT pic. and also the moment if i get to lay down on the grass - next to him. after this we just went back to his hse and wait for his parents to get back.

few hours later... everyone was ready and we got to that place.... again. lol. had dinner with him and his family at a really good japanese restaurant. ichiban boshi. they serve really nice food there. i'm considering either ichiban boshi, tappers, or big brothers for special celebration. awesome foooood. me and him left the restaurant earlier and went to the field/park. omg. this is not the first time i came to this place at night, but it's the first time i went to see the park at night! it's sooooo beautifullllll. :O one good thing was the park was a bit deserted but wasn't something to worry because there's so many crowds at the field next to the park! cos usually at night will be a little scary n dangerous. so we get to have a lil privacy there. :P i love how he carried me in cradle style and shared kisses together like this. <3

later we gather with his family and watched the performances/talk shows. it's funny and entertaining, and some a little boring. then halfway through there were ppl distributing ice cream. haha we just stood there and ate ice cream while watching. then towards the end, they were performing singing and halfway through... kaboom! FIREWORKS!! that was a really attractive one, compared to the new year's eve... i think this one is better! what's better was i got to watch fireworks with him :) and then his dad sent me home with his other family members in the car. end of story. haha. it's 1 week overdue. might have forgotten some. XD

second chance

15/02/2013

yesterday was a disappointing night. but overall, at least i got to spend the valentines' day with someone i love, better than those couples who are separated, or those who are singles, or those who have somebody in mind but cannot have them. and then i get to have dinner with his parents. it's a good opportunity to know more about him. and the dinner was really good. i am also thankful that his parents sent me back to my hse after that despite the trouble. appreciate his mom's initiation of inviting me to his place next week to watch lion dance and fireworks. if only my parents would be like this...

i felt a little fed up again, over his lack-of-sensitivity again. and i'm a really "thick-skinned" person. but i couldn't tolerate any longer so i let some of my prides down. it was still... a failure. he just kept saying sorry. sighs. tears keep flowing down for a really long time. and then i release all the "gas" to my bestie. as usual, she would scold me for behaving this way etc etc but at the same time she felt so sad for me but couldn't help.

and then she ask if i had any plans tonight. well, i don't. my parents have function, but it's okay if i followed them. but i declined the invitation because my bro didn't follow, and i don't know anyone there. those that i know are all adults. so she suggested we go to i-city@ shah alam. it's near her bf place anyway. they can meet up. plus i haven't been there before so i'm fine with that.

*pause* and over the few hours after we talked. i thought abt it again. rethought. i told myself that, although it didn't go really well ytd, but i still get to spend it with someone i love. and i realized what matters more is that, i love him.

*resume* after settling everything. it was actually quite late because we are meeting her bf first. and her bf is a usual "dragger". lol. and then we go to pick up my boyfriend. when i saw him from his hse, i just felt thankful that i get to see him and i'd definitely appreciate that moment, and to feel and make the best out of it.   as he get into the car, he surprised me with a stalk of flower :O well, the thing is i really didn't know how to react. but deep inside, i was very very very elated. it's not a real one but it doesn't matter. it's still a flower, and then i won't have to throw it away if it's dying because it will be there forever. <3

we headed to i-city later on. the first thing i did when we got down from the car, was to hug him. i was sorry for being emotional and i wanted him to know that i love him. i wanted to forget the sad things and give everything a second chance. scott even joked and said i should be proud that he could still lift me up because he can't do that to his gf (which is my bestfriend). and omg. i really didn't expect to see what i saw. there were colourful lightings everywhere. the most delighting part was to see a fun fair going on for the CNY festive season! it was beautiful. and definitely a beautiful and extraordinary place for dates. my dear told me that he hasn't been on the ferris wheel before. he thought i would laugh at him, but i didn't. but i haven't sat on it too :P and then... we finally got to sit on it. it's his first time on it, my first time on it, and OUR first time sitting together too :) i really enjoyed the scenery and the moment with him - alone. i also took the opportunity to let him know that i felt really happy. and then ahem. we shared some kisses. XD

after that we just walk around and took some pics.... hmm.... then we watched the ppl play bumper cars. went into the "fun world" with special offer and experience some extinct species. walk around here and there etc. and then it rained. we were running around as we wanted to return the card and get back the deposit. run and pause and run and pause. when we pause, we just stood under the shelter for awhile. and then continue. i know it's possible that we would fall sick, but running around, together, with our hands holding each other, it is a form of happiness.... :') and i keep joking that we could kiss under the rain. haha. well actually it's not a bad idea. he's like... "want ah?" i just said there were so many ppl there who will be watching. he's just like it doesnt matter... hahha welll, i didn't say i don't want.. but it's just... too mainstream to do it on public? :P maybe next time.... i'm sure there will be "potential" times.

PICTURES

will be updated later. :P

valentines' day?

14/02/2013


i was a little disappointed that i wanted to go home already.

holding back the tears in my eyes. almost busted twice when you looked me in the eyes. i would have broken down into tears if you stared any longer. hate it when i had to fake a smile or do something else to "cover" myself.

i was looking forward to this as i've never celebrated this day... not even with my ex.... now that i have this chance, and with someone that i love, so, so much. all turned out to be a failure.
wanted to get flowers before u pick me up, but you didn't, due to something(?)
wanted to have a walk at the beautiful park that i mentioned, but was asked to join ur parents for dinner. and then to realize that his parents didn't mean it, we could actually have our alone time...
still joined parents for dinner anyway, but planned to go to the park if parents didn't follow after dinner, but i said no need, and even if i wanted, his parents followed and sent me home anyway
wanted to at least have a walk at setia city mall's park, but it was raining. when it stopped raining, i didn't want either. what's the point already? plus it's wet and humid.
wanted to last minute get flowers (fake or real), i said no... what's the point? i would love it if you got it before seeing me... i said no because it feels like, u don't know me at all, it's like, u get it because i want it
even if i REALLY wanted it. i wanted your sincerity, you know?

all these 'plans' used to be so sweet when i know ur effort/thought, but as it goes on and on.... for so many times, i am really getting tired of it. yea, you wanted to, you planned to, but what? you didn't, right?

all the scenes running through my mind. the reason it gave me such an impact is because there isn't much time left for me in Malaysia. now i'll have to wait till next year's valentines' day, and that will be the last one before i leave. then i'll be in the states for two years. two freaking years. and i wonder if we would ever last that long? and what if i don't come back anymore?

btw i really appreciate his parents' effort, initiation and everything... they are all nice... i am happy, glad and grateful to have met such wonderful parents especially when they are your bf/gf's mom & dad...

it's his unalertness that bothers me sometimes but once again, it's not entirely his fault. it's his unfortunate of having such a sensitive girlfriend like me. i'm sorry to make you feel bad whenever i become emotional. i'll try not to be... i try really hard to not let you know...

i keep telling myself to give you more time, give you more chance...
but i dunno how long more i can wait

dear god, i'm not greedy. i just want it spent meaningfully.
seeing couples getting surprises, picnicking by the beach, alone time dinner, handmade food for their loved ones...
i would be happy to receive flowers.... i mean... that's my biggest desire all this while.
i don't expect a giant bouquet of flowers. even one stalk would be good enough to satisfy my crave.
or a handmade card by you. i don't need expensive gifts really. it's the thoughts that count.
maybe an affordable necklace that i can wear everyday?
just realized you haven't really gotten anything for me other than the red angry bird.
and the hello kitty soft toy you gave me ( but then it's ur mom who bought it )

i should learn how to not have any expectations at all...

indulged

08/02/2013

no matter what i say about you. no matter how much i am mad at you or sad because of you. there is one thing that doesn't change for sure. that is i love you.

sorry for saying all the negative things. i'm not saying that i'm a very good girlfriend myself. sorry for not being understanding enough. i know that you have your own issues to settle as well.... you also have other things to worry about...

i know that... sorry for being selfish. all this is because i care.... care too much that it hurts.

*edited* 15/02/2013 - 3am

despite how upset i am because of you, something will pop by and then it will wipe away my upset-ness about stupid things.

we didn't talk much today (08/02, friday) i was really fed up that talking to you makes me feel tired/annoyed. until that night. when his brother told me that he was involved in an accident.

at first it was a statement in a chat saying "ur boyfriend died"
my initial reaction was like wth?! this is not funny and this is not something you can simply joke of. i was a little furious, having the thought that he was trying to seek attention. only to find out later on that it was his brother who typed that.

his brother just told me that my boy boy won't be home so early. and he's at the chinese doctor's place. that feeling was an instant stab. the moment i knew that, i almost burst into tears. but i was in front of my parents i had to resist. omg. then i get all the flashbacks between us. i blamed myself for being so stubborn.

i immediately broke into tears when i got home and entered my bedroom. what if something bad happened? the only thing that i could do was to wait for his news - ANXIOUSLY. but well, i didn't know the whole thing abt the accident. turned out that he just strained his arm. and luckily the irresponsible drunk driver was willing to compensate the damage.

everything i was upset abt before... suddenly becomes nothing. because i love him so much that it matters more than anything else - like getting upset over little things. i was really scared that i'd lose him. this guy never stop making me worry abt him. it was quite late that night, he called me afterwards because he had to off his comp. i was still halfway sobbing. occasionally blowing my nose. he asked if i cried. well, i said no because i kinda stopped crying, it's just that my nose was still blocked. and... it's really embarrassing to tell somebody that you are crying/cried. LOL

and we spent the rest of the night talking nonsense on the phone for an hour plus. then... the end :)

mixed feelings

sometimes i just feel like i'm going to burst like a balloon after withstanding too much pressure. the only difference is balloons get heat or atmosphere pressure but mine is the mental tension.


maybe i'm too sensitive/care too much/emotional... but it feels like u don't care at all. u talk to me, i replied. the next reply, was 30 mins later, a few times. u watch tv. fine. is tv more important? u said sorry. if u were sorry, u wouldn't do it right? u can tell me u're watching ur fav movie or an interesting tv show. i'd understand. most of the time, i could've just replied instantly as if u're my priority. sometimes i force myself to resist until a few mins later. so i don't sound desperate or make u feel bad for not replying me straight away.


i don't wanna be paranoid. but idk when's next time we see each other again. & we don't even have much time to chat. it'll be worse during CNY. from Tuan Yuan day evening to 4th or maybe 5th day of CNY i won't be around. Data plans would be useless as it doesn't have network data coverage for 70% of the time. and the fact that u wake up late & sleep/offline early. how do we even communicate?

i sobbed again. for the dunno how many -th time. but you had no idea. you probably wouldn't even know. i just keep it inside. let's just hope i'm strong enough.

i don't wanna be an overly-attached girlfriend. or some controlling bitch. or a psycho weirdo.

it was supposed to be quite a happy day. and this shit. we saw each other today(thursday) again but i dunno when's the next time. it might be 11 days later. it might...
maybe it's just pms. mood swing much. i know girls are complicated. just blame us for being too emotional.

different from the previous post. today was a cheerful one :)

cheerful because 1) i finish my mid-term exams 2) i did quite well in my papers 3) movies with him after this.

last friday was the last time we met before today. there's an issue as he didn't have his car. usually i wouldn't mind if the plan failed. but it was our very special day. it marks our 4 months of love. i decided to go to his place instead since i haven't been there for some time already. it was a wonderful day. i love walking with him at a nice place, like the park/garden. there's a very nice place there, almost like a wedding place. lol. luck was on our side, no rain, it's sunny but not too hot - almost perfect.

i'm glad that we met, not only because of this special day, but also the 5 days gap before we meet each other again, today. this week is our exam week. one of the best things that ever happened was the fact that he stayed up, well, not particularly for me but then it's a process of us studying together and motivating each other. not forgetting to mention that video call with your loved ones in the middle of the night was awesome.

he just had his haircut but he looks adorable to me <3 and pls ignore my face D:

so happy to even just see his face, virtually.... better than nothing. all my sorrows go away instantly :)

anyway, back to today. so due to our unmatched class schedules as mentioned... we seldom go out now, there's only 2 "official" outings since semester started, 3 including today. the previous 2 was just walk walk, cos i wanted to "shop" for cny stuff although i ended up empty handed. we haven't watched movie together since The Hobbit on new year's eve last year. so we finally watched Hansel & Gretel - The Witch Hunters today :D

the movie was kinda disgusting in a way but it's awesome. and then... we went home. so short time spent together right? that kinda explains why we didn't watch movie previously. instead of spending 2 hours in the cinema, we get to spend 2 hours walking and talking and do all the silly stuffs together... that's called "communication". hahaha what a statement. not saying that i don't like movies, i love movies okay.

dear, to be able to spend time with you, i'm willing to go through mountains and swim pass the ocean just to see you. even just for a short while, i really, really cherish that. i don't expect us to see each other everyday but i don't wanna wait too long before i see you the next time. i'll miss you, terribly.

the difference between sad and angry

it's a sunday. everyone's at home chilling out... having the time of their life etc.

my midterms are coming up and i decided to resume my studies from the previous session. switching tasks between studying, skyping and playing spider solitaire was... awesome.

things were going quite well, especially when i get to spend my time talking to you, although not in reality but virtually. but i'm really really grateful for that. i appreciate every moments i get to spend with you. you were replying quite fast today and i was delighted.

and then.... you disappeared for an hour plus. sometimes i really wonder what you were doing. but i really don't wanna be like an overly attached gf. i don't want to annoy you. however sometimes i get really paranoid. it doesn't seem like something serious, because most of the time, whenever you talk to me, every problem fades away.

i get it sometimes that you're playing game. it's okay. but we talk less, especially now for the fact that you've lost your phone. for a month already. we can't talk on whatsapp, while you have to off your comp at a certain time. our conversations have been cut down a lot. i know we still can talk through phone calls or texts, but it's costly in the long run and it's a little impractical. i'm so not used to this. i know it'll be better when it goes on, but i don't want our love to die like this.... not this soon at least. besides, our timetables are really... bipolar. when i have classes, he doesn't, when i don't have classes, he has. although there are still times we have classes together at the same time.... separately. Even the time for us to hang out, is reduced.

how long more can i endure this?

it's my brother's birthday today. he's 24 already. we are all getting old. everyone is. i suggested to have dinner at Tappers cafe and it was really a wonderful place. i was glad to see that everyone was pleased. there were 2 cakes, one from his friends and another one from his gf. both were equally good and sweeeeeet. it was fattening right? including my main course for dinner... yes... it is. i told you about it. you just gimme this sad face ":(".

when i asked you about it, you said you'd make me exercise. i wasn't really happy with the answer. then you said you'd get fat together with me. really? because from your first answer(reaction), seems like it clearly shows that looks are more like the things you care about. what would happen if i really get fat one day? don't you think i'm actually a little too thin right now? and when i say fat, it doesn't necessarily mean the obese kinda fat. perhaps just plump? or more meaty? sometimes extra fats are good for health. and also provide some shape to thin people. won't you look better when you have a curvier body rather than stick-like ones?

you may not be the best looking guy i've ever met, but i really love you in terms of the inner you.

you called and asked if i was angry. do you understand the difference between sad and angry or not? :( i said no, like duh. because i obviously wasn't angry. it was the other way round. i was disappointed, crushed, upset, down, sad.... you are like those ppl who are insensitive, nevermind. most guys' natural born traits are like this. *sigh*

emo stuffs for today. there are also happy ones. but not today.