valentines' day?

14/02/2013


i was a little disappointed that i wanted to go home already.

holding back the tears in my eyes. almost busted twice when you looked me in the eyes. i would have broken down into tears if you stared any longer. hate it when i had to fake a smile or do something else to "cover" myself.

i was looking forward to this as i've never celebrated this day... not even with my ex.... now that i have this chance, and with someone that i love, so, so much. all turned out to be a failure.
wanted to get flowers before u pick me up, but you didn't, due to something(?)
wanted to have a walk at the beautiful park that i mentioned, but was asked to join ur parents for dinner. and then to realize that his parents didn't mean it, we could actually have our alone time...
still joined parents for dinner anyway, but planned to go to the park if parents didn't follow after dinner, but i said no need, and even if i wanted, his parents followed and sent me home anyway
wanted to at least have a walk at setia city mall's park, but it was raining. when it stopped raining, i didn't want either. what's the point already? plus it's wet and humid.
wanted to last minute get flowers (fake or real), i said no... what's the point? i would love it if you got it before seeing me... i said no because it feels like, u don't know me at all, it's like, u get it because i want it
even if i REALLY wanted it. i wanted your sincerity, you know?

all these 'plans' used to be so sweet when i know ur effort/thought, but as it goes on and on.... for so many times, i am really getting tired of it. yea, you wanted to, you planned to, but what? you didn't, right?

all the scenes running through my mind. the reason it gave me such an impact is because there isn't much time left for me in Malaysia. now i'll have to wait till next year's valentines' day, and that will be the last one before i leave. then i'll be in the states for two years. two freaking years. and i wonder if we would ever last that long? and what if i don't come back anymore?

btw i really appreciate his parents' effort, initiation and everything... they are all nice... i am happy, glad and grateful to have met such wonderful parents especially when they are your bf/gf's mom & dad...

it's his unalertness that bothers me sometimes but once again, it's not entirely his fault. it's his unfortunate of having such a sensitive girlfriend like me. i'm sorry to make you feel bad whenever i become emotional. i'll try not to be... i try really hard to not let you know...

i keep telling myself to give you more time, give you more chance...
but i dunno how long more i can wait

dear god, i'm not greedy. i just want it spent meaningfully.
seeing couples getting surprises, picnicking by the beach, alone time dinner, handmade food for their loved ones...
i would be happy to receive flowers.... i mean... that's my biggest desire all this while.
i don't expect a giant bouquet of flowers. even one stalk would be good enough to satisfy my crave.
or a handmade card by you. i don't need expensive gifts really. it's the thoughts that count.
maybe an affordable necklace that i can wear everyday?
just realized you haven't really gotten anything for me other than the red angry bird.
and the hello kitty soft toy you gave me ( but then it's ur mom who bought it )

i should learn how to not have any expectations at all...