second chance

15/02/2013

yesterday was a disappointing night. but overall, at least i got to spend the valentines' day with someone i love, better than those couples who are separated, or those who are singles, or those who have somebody in mind but cannot have them. and then i get to have dinner with his parents. it's a good opportunity to know more about him. and the dinner was really good. i am also thankful that his parents sent me back to my hse after that despite the trouble. appreciate his mom's initiation of inviting me to his place next week to watch lion dance and fireworks. if only my parents would be like this...

i felt a little fed up again, over his lack-of-sensitivity again. and i'm a really "thick-skinned" person. but i couldn't tolerate any longer so i let some of my prides down. it was still... a failure. he just kept saying sorry. sighs. tears keep flowing down for a really long time. and then i release all the "gas" to my bestie. as usual, she would scold me for behaving this way etc etc but at the same time she felt so sad for me but couldn't help.

and then she ask if i had any plans tonight. well, i don't. my parents have function, but it's okay if i followed them. but i declined the invitation because my bro didn't follow, and i don't know anyone there. those that i know are all adults. so she suggested we go to i-city@ shah alam. it's near her bf place anyway. they can meet up. plus i haven't been there before so i'm fine with that.

*pause* and over the few hours after we talked. i thought abt it again. rethought. i told myself that, although it didn't go really well ytd, but i still get to spend it with someone i love. and i realized what matters more is that, i love him.

*resume* after settling everything. it was actually quite late because we are meeting her bf first. and her bf is a usual "dragger". lol. and then we go to pick up my boyfriend. when i saw him from his hse, i just felt thankful that i get to see him and i'd definitely appreciate that moment, and to feel and make the best out of it.   as he get into the car, he surprised me with a stalk of flower :O well, the thing is i really didn't know how to react. but deep inside, i was very very very elated. it's not a real one but it doesn't matter. it's still a flower, and then i won't have to throw it away if it's dying because it will be there forever. <3

we headed to i-city later on. the first thing i did when we got down from the car, was to hug him. i was sorry for being emotional and i wanted him to know that i love him. i wanted to forget the sad things and give everything a second chance. scott even joked and said i should be proud that he could still lift me up because he can't do that to his gf (which is my bestfriend). and omg. i really didn't expect to see what i saw. there were colourful lightings everywhere. the most delighting part was to see a fun fair going on for the CNY festive season! it was beautiful. and definitely a beautiful and extraordinary place for dates. my dear told me that he hasn't been on the ferris wheel before. he thought i would laugh at him, but i didn't. but i haven't sat on it too :P and then... we finally got to sit on it. it's his first time on it, my first time on it, and OUR first time sitting together too :) i really enjoyed the scenery and the moment with him - alone. i also took the opportunity to let him know that i felt really happy. and then ahem. we shared some kisses. XD

after that we just walk around and took some pics.... hmm.... then we watched the ppl play bumper cars. went into the "fun world" with special offer and experience some extinct species. walk around here and there etc. and then it rained. we were running around as we wanted to return the card and get back the deposit. run and pause and run and pause. when we pause, we just stood under the shelter for awhile. and then continue. i know it's possible that we would fall sick, but running around, together, with our hands holding each other, it is a form of happiness.... :') and i keep joking that we could kiss under the rain. haha. well actually it's not a bad idea. he's like... "want ah?" i just said there were so many ppl there who will be watching. he's just like it doesnt matter... hahha welll, i didn't say i don't want.. but it's just... too mainstream to do it on public? :P maybe next time.... i'm sure there will be "potential" times.

PICTURES

will be updated later. :P

valentines' day?

14/02/2013


i was a little disappointed that i wanted to go home already.

holding back the tears in my eyes. almost busted twice when you looked me in the eyes. i would have broken down into tears if you stared any longer. hate it when i had to fake a smile or do something else to "cover" myself.

i was looking forward to this as i've never celebrated this day... not even with my ex.... now that i have this chance, and with someone that i love, so, so much. all turned out to be a failure.
wanted to get flowers before u pick me up, but you didn't, due to something(?)
wanted to have a walk at the beautiful park that i mentioned, but was asked to join ur parents for dinner. and then to realize that his parents didn't mean it, we could actually have our alone time...
still joined parents for dinner anyway, but planned to go to the park if parents didn't follow after dinner, but i said no need, and even if i wanted, his parents followed and sent me home anyway
wanted to at least have a walk at setia city mall's park, but it was raining. when it stopped raining, i didn't want either. what's the point already? plus it's wet and humid.
wanted to last minute get flowers (fake or real), i said no... what's the point? i would love it if you got it before seeing me... i said no because it feels like, u don't know me at all, it's like, u get it because i want it
even if i REALLY wanted it. i wanted your sincerity, you know?

all these 'plans' used to be so sweet when i know ur effort/thought, but as it goes on and on.... for so many times, i am really getting tired of it. yea, you wanted to, you planned to, but what? you didn't, right?

all the scenes running through my mind. the reason it gave me such an impact is because there isn't much time left for me in Malaysia. now i'll have to wait till next year's valentines' day, and that will be the last one before i leave. then i'll be in the states for two years. two freaking years. and i wonder if we would ever last that long? and what if i don't come back anymore?

btw i really appreciate his parents' effort, initiation and everything... they are all nice... i am happy, glad and grateful to have met such wonderful parents especially when they are your bf/gf's mom & dad...

it's his unalertness that bothers me sometimes but once again, it's not entirely his fault. it's his unfortunate of having such a sensitive girlfriend like me. i'm sorry to make you feel bad whenever i become emotional. i'll try not to be... i try really hard to not let you know...

i keep telling myself to give you more time, give you more chance...
but i dunno how long more i can wait

dear god, i'm not greedy. i just want it spent meaningfully.
seeing couples getting surprises, picnicking by the beach, alone time dinner, handmade food for their loved ones...
i would be happy to receive flowers.... i mean... that's my biggest desire all this while.
i don't expect a giant bouquet of flowers. even one stalk would be good enough to satisfy my crave.
or a handmade card by you. i don't need expensive gifts really. it's the thoughts that count.
maybe an affordable necklace that i can wear everyday?
just realized you haven't really gotten anything for me other than the red angry bird.
and the hello kitty soft toy you gave me ( but then it's ur mom who bought it )

i should learn how to not have any expectations at all...

indulged

08/02/2013

no matter what i say about you. no matter how much i am mad at you or sad because of you. there is one thing that doesn't change for sure. that is i love you.

sorry for saying all the negative things. i'm not saying that i'm a very good girlfriend myself. sorry for not being understanding enough. i know that you have your own issues to settle as well.... you also have other things to worry about...

i know that... sorry for being selfish. all this is because i care.... care too much that it hurts.

*edited* 15/02/2013 - 3am

despite how upset i am because of you, something will pop by and then it will wipe away my upset-ness about stupid things.

we didn't talk much today (08/02, friday) i was really fed up that talking to you makes me feel tired/annoyed. until that night. when his brother told me that he was involved in an accident.

at first it was a statement in a chat saying "ur boyfriend died"
my initial reaction was like wth?! this is not funny and this is not something you can simply joke of. i was a little furious, having the thought that he was trying to seek attention. only to find out later on that it was his brother who typed that.

his brother just told me that my boy boy won't be home so early. and he's at the chinese doctor's place. that feeling was an instant stab. the moment i knew that, i almost burst into tears. but i was in front of my parents i had to resist. omg. then i get all the flashbacks between us. i blamed myself for being so stubborn.

i immediately broke into tears when i got home and entered my bedroom. what if something bad happened? the only thing that i could do was to wait for his news - ANXIOUSLY. but well, i didn't know the whole thing abt the accident. turned out that he just strained his arm. and luckily the irresponsible drunk driver was willing to compensate the damage.

everything i was upset abt before... suddenly becomes nothing. because i love him so much that it matters more than anything else - like getting upset over little things. i was really scared that i'd lose him. this guy never stop making me worry abt him. it was quite late that night, he called me afterwards because he had to off his comp. i was still halfway sobbing. occasionally blowing my nose. he asked if i cried. well, i said no because i kinda stopped crying, it's just that my nose was still blocked. and... it's really embarrassing to tell somebody that you are crying/cried. LOL

and we spent the rest of the night talking nonsense on the phone for an hour plus. then... the end :)

mixed feelings

sometimes i just feel like i'm going to burst like a balloon after withstanding too much pressure. the only difference is balloons get heat or atmosphere pressure but mine is the mental tension.


maybe i'm too sensitive/care too much/emotional... but it feels like u don't care at all. u talk to me, i replied. the next reply, was 30 mins later, a few times. u watch tv. fine. is tv more important? u said sorry. if u were sorry, u wouldn't do it right? u can tell me u're watching ur fav movie or an interesting tv show. i'd understand. most of the time, i could've just replied instantly as if u're my priority. sometimes i force myself to resist until a few mins later. so i don't sound desperate or make u feel bad for not replying me straight away.


i don't wanna be paranoid. but idk when's next time we see each other again. & we don't even have much time to chat. it'll be worse during CNY. from Tuan Yuan day evening to 4th or maybe 5th day of CNY i won't be around. Data plans would be useless as it doesn't have network data coverage for 70% of the time. and the fact that u wake up late & sleep/offline early. how do we even communicate?

i sobbed again. for the dunno how many -th time. but you had no idea. you probably wouldn't even know. i just keep it inside. let's just hope i'm strong enough.

i don't wanna be an overly-attached girlfriend. or some controlling bitch. or a psycho weirdo.

it was supposed to be quite a happy day. and this shit. we saw each other today(thursday) again but i dunno when's the next time. it might be 11 days later. it might...
maybe it's just pms. mood swing much. i know girls are complicated. just blame us for being too emotional.

different from the previous post. today was a cheerful one :)

cheerful because 1) i finish my mid-term exams 2) i did quite well in my papers 3) movies with him after this.

last friday was the last time we met before today. there's an issue as he didn't have his car. usually i wouldn't mind if the plan failed. but it was our very special day. it marks our 4 months of love. i decided to go to his place instead since i haven't been there for some time already. it was a wonderful day. i love walking with him at a nice place, like the park/garden. there's a very nice place there, almost like a wedding place. lol. luck was on our side, no rain, it's sunny but not too hot - almost perfect.

i'm glad that we met, not only because of this special day, but also the 5 days gap before we meet each other again, today. this week is our exam week. one of the best things that ever happened was the fact that he stayed up, well, not particularly for me but then it's a process of us studying together and motivating each other. not forgetting to mention that video call with your loved ones in the middle of the night was awesome.

he just had his haircut but he looks adorable to me <3 and pls ignore my face D:

so happy to even just see his face, virtually.... better than nothing. all my sorrows go away instantly :)

anyway, back to today. so due to our unmatched class schedules as mentioned... we seldom go out now, there's only 2 "official" outings since semester started, 3 including today. the previous 2 was just walk walk, cos i wanted to "shop" for cny stuff although i ended up empty handed. we haven't watched movie together since The Hobbit on new year's eve last year. so we finally watched Hansel & Gretel - The Witch Hunters today :D

the movie was kinda disgusting in a way but it's awesome. and then... we went home. so short time spent together right? that kinda explains why we didn't watch movie previously. instead of spending 2 hours in the cinema, we get to spend 2 hours walking and talking and do all the silly stuffs together... that's called "communication". hahaha what a statement. not saying that i don't like movies, i love movies okay.

dear, to be able to spend time with you, i'm willing to go through mountains and swim pass the ocean just to see you. even just for a short while, i really, really cherish that. i don't expect us to see each other everyday but i don't wanna wait too long before i see you the next time. i'll miss you, terribly.

the difference between sad and angry

it's a sunday. everyone's at home chilling out... having the time of their life etc.

my midterms are coming up and i decided to resume my studies from the previous session. switching tasks between studying, skyping and playing spider solitaire was... awesome.

things were going quite well, especially when i get to spend my time talking to you, although not in reality but virtually. but i'm really really grateful for that. i appreciate every moments i get to spend with you. you were replying quite fast today and i was delighted.

and then.... you disappeared for an hour plus. sometimes i really wonder what you were doing. but i really don't wanna be like an overly attached gf. i don't want to annoy you. however sometimes i get really paranoid. it doesn't seem like something serious, because most of the time, whenever you talk to me, every problem fades away.

i get it sometimes that you're playing game. it's okay. but we talk less, especially now for the fact that you've lost your phone. for a month already. we can't talk on whatsapp, while you have to off your comp at a certain time. our conversations have been cut down a lot. i know we still can talk through phone calls or texts, but it's costly in the long run and it's a little impractical. i'm so not used to this. i know it'll be better when it goes on, but i don't want our love to die like this.... not this soon at least. besides, our timetables are really... bipolar. when i have classes, he doesn't, when i don't have classes, he has. although there are still times we have classes together at the same time.... separately. Even the time for us to hang out, is reduced.

how long more can i endure this?

it's my brother's birthday today. he's 24 already. we are all getting old. everyone is. i suggested to have dinner at Tappers cafe and it was really a wonderful place. i was glad to see that everyone was pleased. there were 2 cakes, one from his friends and another one from his gf. both were equally good and sweeeeeet. it was fattening right? including my main course for dinner... yes... it is. i told you about it. you just gimme this sad face ":(".

when i asked you about it, you said you'd make me exercise. i wasn't really happy with the answer. then you said you'd get fat together with me. really? because from your first answer(reaction), seems like it clearly shows that looks are more like the things you care about. what would happen if i really get fat one day? don't you think i'm actually a little too thin right now? and when i say fat, it doesn't necessarily mean the obese kinda fat. perhaps just plump? or more meaty? sometimes extra fats are good for health. and also provide some shape to thin people. won't you look better when you have a curvier body rather than stick-like ones?

you may not be the best looking guy i've ever met, but i really love you in terms of the inner you.

you called and asked if i was angry. do you understand the difference between sad and angry or not? :( i said no, like duh. because i obviously wasn't angry. it was the other way round. i was disappointed, crushed, upset, down, sad.... you are like those ppl who are insensitive, nevermind. most guys' natural born traits are like this. *sigh*

emo stuffs for today. there are also happy ones. but not today.